Girls Horse Club Blog

I Want Spring

Published by • Jan 24th, 2011 • Category: Critique Me!, Poetry

I WANT SPRING is a submission for Critique Me!, an event where Girls Horse Club writers are inviting readers to critique their stories and poems with praise and/or constructive advice intended to help build confidence and improve writing/storytelling skills. Thanks in advance for your thoughtful insight!

by catscowgirl, age 16

Frozen ground, freezing wind,
White ground, white sky,
I wish for spring,
Icy ground, frozen water,
Endless snow, endless wind,
I’m getting tired of this winter,
Falling snow, blowing wind,
Frost clinging to my coat,
I want spring!
Blizzards coming, blizzards blowing,
Tasteless hay stupid snow,
I want green grass,
I want blue skies,
I want to see the first green grass of spring,
Instead of this freezing winter!

6 Nickers »

  1. Very cute poem. My horses would agree with you 110% =0). Some critique: Where you use the same words more than once try to find synonyms that describe the same meaning with a differnt or more colorful word. For instance you could substitute ground in the second line for earth and then white with pasty. (White earth, pasty sky.) And so on here are some more phrases you could use so your poem doesn’t sound redundant.

    “Polar ground, chilly water” “Falling flakes, Blistering breeze”. “Bilzzards coming, storms blowing”. “I want to taste the new buds of spring, instead of this glacial winter”.

    but its your work so you decide the final words. It just gives your reader a better picture if you use different and creative adjectives to describe the feelings presented in the poem.

    HF

  2. Good poem!
    I’m starting to get tired of winter myself.
    ~Luna

  3. I really like this poem. It gives a good picture on winter, and why you want spring!
    Where I live it’s summer though.
    Critique – I wouldn’t have used the same words twice in the same line. And also when you wrote Tasteless hay stupid snow, there should be a comma in the middle but that’s VERY minor.
    So don’t worry!
    ♥LA

  4. I really like how you wrote about all the different aspects of winter – the wind, the snow, the frost and even the taste of hay. I think to help the poem become more visual you should expand on these starting points. For example, the wind by writing about how it’s noisy and makes a mess, or the cold and how it numbs your ears.

    The repetition (of words) in this poem adds a nice emphasis to the cold and creates a good rhythm. I’m not sure if this is intentional, as is the case for some poets, but overall if you include more descriptive language in your poems you’ll be well on your way to becoming a great poet.

  5. i love how you wrote it about winter critique: i would try to not use the same words twice, but that’s just my opinion.

  6. I WANT SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO bad.Spring is when I get my first horse ever