Girls Horse Club Blog

The little pony’s dream

Published by • Jan 25th, 2011 • Category: Critique Me!, Fiction

THE LITTLE PONY’S DREAM is a submission for Critique Me!, an event where Girls Horse Club writers are inviting readers to critique their stories and poems with praise and/or constructive advice intended to help build confidence and improve writing/storytelling skills. Thanks in advance for your thoughtful insight!

by Mara, age 15

I  was this little pony, and  i was as white as the snow. Now for  my name is  Sugar Belle, but everyone just called me Sugar. All of my friends talked about there dreams of being rode on beaches with couples kissing in the sun sets while riding them. Not i though i have a pretty amazing dream but I have never told anyone this. Well it goes like this…

One day I was walking in the apple feilds with Luna my one pony friend. Luna was going on about the moon and stars again like she always does she wants to be an astronomer.

Well Suger there and so many galexies other than ours. And you know I’m going to be one of the few horeses that find a planet. Oh that’s nice Luna. Sugar you haven’t been listening to me at all have you. Mmmmmhmmmm. Suuugaaaar! What who there oh Luna it’s just you.

Sugar I told you my dream for life so you tell me yours. Well Luna I don’t think so. Then I raced off since I know I can beat Luna and got away from her and got out of the apple feilds.

Then I went to the rock graden on our horse estate. And I happened to run into Mystery she is a very slow horse she is an older one but not that old. I want to say a lot of these horses at the estate are older than ke except for the newbies.

Wahooo there Suger where is the fire? Well Mystery I’m not sure , but I do know what everyone want to know. Well Sugar what is that? Everyone wants to know everyone’s dream. Well that’s true, but…….… . There is not buts in this I don’t want to say my dream. Why?? Well Mystery my dreams aren’t the “normal”. What do you mean? Sugar no one has the same dream well they have similar ones but that’s it. Well mystery you never tell anyone yours. Well they are personal but if you promise you tell no one about them I will tell you. I promise. Okay well since I’m older I don’t dream many that I can remember but, the last one was I had this big wedding and everyone on the estate came. I was wearing this beatifull veil and all this beatifull flowers and I was going to marry my boyfriend shooting star.
Well that’s mine.

Wow that’s out there for sure. Well mine in that the sky is always beatifull clear as clear can be. I am in the sky flying with the most grace and my wing are as white as a wedding dress. And I’m just flying and flying then land and my wings hide and I am with my friends. Well sugar have you ever tried to fly ? Well of course not. Horses can’t fly. Well I beloved in my dream and look it’s coming true. Wow that’s a pretty engagment hoof band. Well if yours did I’m going to belive

…………………………………….

Nothing right? Well I’m sorry sugar but you could go Some where and learn or go on a plane and fly it’s almost like your dream. Well thanks for trying to help. I’m glad star asked you finally.

So I started mopping  around and I didn’t ever want to come out but then one night I had a different dream. and I couldn’t wait to tell my friends. So as in the dream I go looking for my friend in the pasture and there they are and just like in my dream the master got a new horse and I go and then mystery introduces us and I’m. Like it’s nice to meet you a scout. Well sugar you have no idea how great it is to see you other than in my dreams. Oops that wasn’t supposed to be said. Sometimes I say stuff before thinking. Well then it’s okay because I saw you in my dream that what I want to tell you guys but you beeat me to it, but anyway eBay to go through apple feilds and get to know each oter and have some apples on the way? Hey that’s what I was going to say.

So we went of carrying on and having fun while walking into the sun set.

The End

3 Nickers »

  1. Hi Mara!
    I like your story.
    There are some grammar errors,
    but I don’t think it ruined the story.
    Maybe next time you should use ” when charcters talk.

  2. This is a nice story, but you need to put in talking marks.
    I wasn’t sure who was talking, who wasn’t and when they were talking.
    You need to do a bit more editing – checking the spelling etc.
    Also, the story was a little hard to follow, in some parts I couldn’t understand what was happening.
    Overall, this story would be wonderful with some more editing!
    ♥LA

  3. Good :) , you just needed to edit much more than you did.